We tend to talk about leaving a high-control religious environment as though it were a simple change of mind. We see it as a shift in belief, or a matter of updated opinions. You left the church, the group, the community, so shouldn't that be the end of it?

Our culture has a strong preference for quick fixes. When it comes to healing from sexual trauma, the prevailing wisdom often treats your pain as a kind of glitch to be corrected. Society sees a set of symptoms to be managed, contained, and desensitized through checklists and coping scripts.

If you've struggled with anxiety, you've probably tried to think your way out of it. You've turned the worry over in your mind, searched for the root cause, maybe even solved the "problem" logically, only to find your chest still tight and your heart still racing an hour later.

What looks like generosity is frequently a form of self-protection. Unfortunately, when self-protection becomes the primary mode of relating, you're not actually connecting with your partner. You're managing them.